When talking about red flags of toxic relationships, people are quick to mention signs of emotional abuse, financial abuse, and especially physical abuse. However, the reality is that those are not red flags, those are a full-on flashing “Dead End” signs. When it has gotten to that point, you may feel stuck in the relationship. If this is where you feel like you are, CLICK HERE for more resources.
Below you will find a list of Red Flags of a toxic person/relationship, which I have compiled in my almost 10 years of working with survivors of abuse. Please be advised that just one of these items alone is not necessarily a red flag, until you see more in combination.
1. Constantly messaging/texting/calling. Relationships are fun in the beginning. We feel full of butterflies, get giddy, and we find ourselves with someone who is constantly making us feel special. However, when our love interest has a habit of messaging all of the time, even when they know we are out with family and friends, or even busy with work, well now we need our Spidey senses to go off. This prospective partner will try to make you believe that they just can’t be without you and want to hear from you at all times. However, this is a form of control. If someone cannot show healthy boundaries and respect your personal time by letting you enjoy your time with your friends and family, what they are displaying is lack of trust and control of your time.
2. Spending a lot of money on you/Showering you in gifts. This is what we call love bombing. If someone showers you with gifts, they most likely are spending all that money as an investment to trap you in a relationship, where now they can control you. You may feel like now you owe them something. Whether it be your time, your money, a second date, you now feel like you need to give them something back in return for all of the gifts and trips they gave to you right in the beginning of your relationship.
3. Being suspicious of OR not trusting your friends/ Claiming they are not good for you. Listen, the only person who should decide whether you should be friends with somebody is you. When your partner is now claiming your friends are a bad influence, don’t care about you, or are trying to get with you, what you are seeing now is an isolation tactic so that they can cut you off from your support system.
4. Discussing the future too soon. If your love interest is already talking about future life decisions (marriage, kids, purchasing a home, moving away from family/friends) and you don’t feel comfortable with it, this a sign to speak up about it! A person who is respectful of your opinion and values will want to hear you out and work on a compromise. However, when you speak up about it and they meet you with gaslighting, this person is demonstrating isolation tactics to increase their control over you.
5. Commenting on how you look/ giving preferences. Listen, if your love interest is only saying nice things about how you look and your taste, then you’re good. But, if they start making recommendations, tell you that you look better in pants, that they prefer you without makeup, well, buckle up because you have found yourself a Kim & Kanye situation, and your partner’s comments are only going to get more controlling and straight forward.
6. Every one of this person’s exes are either bad or described with a derogatory name. Healthy people don’t spend time talking about their exes, especially at the beginning of a relationship. They want to leave their past in the past. They especially will not waste their breath on putting that person down. They will mostly say, “we weren’t compatible”. Again, this is talking about the getting-to-know-you phase. A toxic person will usually, without fail, bad talk their exes, especially because they are trying to beat that person to the punch and do damage control.
7. Opening up to you to manipulate your emotions. A huge red flag is when someone purposefully chooses to spill all of their intimate and personal stories with you in hopes that you will form an empathetic attachment with them, not because they think you’re trustworthy or give good advice. They want to appear to need you in that moment, and because you are a good person, you are there for them! This forms a manipulative emotional attachment to this person and in the future, this will be one of the reasons that make you stay because they have been through so much and you don’t want to be one of the reasons they have even more stories. It’s important to note that when someone chooses to share stories with you, that is their decision. You are not in control of their life and you are not going to be the one that is solely going to help them heal from their hurt. If they make you feel like you are the one that is going to help them and heal them, run.
8. If you’re a single parent and they are trying to woo your child. Ok, here’s the deal. This person is not dating your child, they are dating you. They should probably spend time fortifying a healthy and strong relationship with you, before your child is introduced to this person. Because, why do you want your child getting attached to short-term-love-interest? You don’t. A healthy person will understand and respect that. So, why is this person working so hard to convince you that they would make a great dad or mom? Why is this person spending so much attention on bonding with your child? This to me has all the marking of a person with poor boundaries, and possibly a pedophile. Quick tip ladies, do not post pictures of your kids on dating sites. You’re only providing a “shopping catalogue” for pedophiles. Keep those pictures of your beautiful babes to yourself.
9. An obsession with their public image. Toxic and abusive people spend a lot of time upkeeping their image, online, in the community, with friends and family. Image and how others perceive them is everything. So, if this love-interest spends a lot of time working on their image in public and is way different when it’s just the two of you, walk away!!!!!
10. Alcohol or Substance Abuse. I know we all want to be kind and give people second chances. And many people deserve second chances. However, if this person currently has an alcohol or substance abuse problem, then they should focus on treatment of that issue and not a relationship. There are also many support groups for partners of people with substance or alcohol addictions. Please CLICK HERE to see what resources are in your area.
Let’s talk about GREEN FLAGS in a relationship next time, shall we?
Below you will find a list of Red Flags of a toxic person/relationship, which I have compiled in my almost 10 years of working with survivors of abuse. Please be advised that just one of these items alone is not necessarily a red flag, until you see more in combination.
1. Constantly messaging/texting/calling. Relationships are fun in the beginning. We feel full of butterflies, get giddy, and we find ourselves with someone who is constantly making us feel special. However, when our love interest has a habit of messaging all of the time, even when they know we are out with family and friends, or even busy with work, well now we need our Spidey senses to go off. This prospective partner will try to make you believe that they just can’t be without you and want to hear from you at all times. However, this is a form of control. If someone cannot show healthy boundaries and respect your personal time by letting you enjoy your time with your friends and family, what they are displaying is lack of trust and control of your time.
2. Spending a lot of money on you/Showering you in gifts. This is what we call love bombing. If someone showers you with gifts, they most likely are spending all that money as an investment to trap you in a relationship, where now they can control you. You may feel like now you owe them something. Whether it be your time, your money, a second date, you now feel like you need to give them something back in return for all of the gifts and trips they gave to you right in the beginning of your relationship.
3. Being suspicious of OR not trusting your friends/ Claiming they are not good for you. Listen, the only person who should decide whether you should be friends with somebody is you. When your partner is now claiming your friends are a bad influence, don’t care about you, or are trying to get with you, what you are seeing now is an isolation tactic so that they can cut you off from your support system.
4. Discussing the future too soon. If your love interest is already talking about future life decisions (marriage, kids, purchasing a home, moving away from family/friends) and you don’t feel comfortable with it, this a sign to speak up about it! A person who is respectful of your opinion and values will want to hear you out and work on a compromise. However, when you speak up about it and they meet you with gaslighting, this person is demonstrating isolation tactics to increase their control over you.
5. Commenting on how you look/ giving preferences. Listen, if your love interest is only saying nice things about how you look and your taste, then you’re good. But, if they start making recommendations, tell you that you look better in pants, that they prefer you without makeup, well, buckle up because you have found yourself a Kim & Kanye situation, and your partner’s comments are only going to get more controlling and straight forward.
6. Every one of this person’s exes are either bad or described with a derogatory name. Healthy people don’t spend time talking about their exes, especially at the beginning of a relationship. They want to leave their past in the past. They especially will not waste their breath on putting that person down. They will mostly say, “we weren’t compatible”. Again, this is talking about the getting-to-know-you phase. A toxic person will usually, without fail, bad talk their exes, especially because they are trying to beat that person to the punch and do damage control.
7. Opening up to you to manipulate your emotions. A huge red flag is when someone purposefully chooses to spill all of their intimate and personal stories with you in hopes that you will form an empathetic attachment with them, not because they think you’re trustworthy or give good advice. They want to appear to need you in that moment, and because you are a good person, you are there for them! This forms a manipulative emotional attachment to this person and in the future, this will be one of the reasons that make you stay because they have been through so much and you don’t want to be one of the reasons they have even more stories. It’s important to note that when someone chooses to share stories with you, that is their decision. You are not in control of their life and you are not going to be the one that is solely going to help them heal from their hurt. If they make you feel like you are the one that is going to help them and heal them, run.
8. If you’re a single parent and they are trying to woo your child. Ok, here’s the deal. This person is not dating your child, they are dating you. They should probably spend time fortifying a healthy and strong relationship with you, before your child is introduced to this person. Because, why do you want your child getting attached to short-term-love-interest? You don’t. A healthy person will understand and respect that. So, why is this person working so hard to convince you that they would make a great dad or mom? Why is this person spending so much attention on bonding with your child? This to me has all the marking of a person with poor boundaries, and possibly a pedophile. Quick tip ladies, do not post pictures of your kids on dating sites. You’re only providing a “shopping catalogue” for pedophiles. Keep those pictures of your beautiful babes to yourself.
9. An obsession with their public image. Toxic and abusive people spend a lot of time upkeeping their image, online, in the community, with friends and family. Image and how others perceive them is everything. So, if this love-interest spends a lot of time working on their image in public and is way different when it’s just the two of you, walk away!!!!!
10. Alcohol or Substance Abuse. I know we all want to be kind and give people second chances. And many people deserve second chances. However, if this person currently has an alcohol or substance abuse problem, then they should focus on treatment of that issue and not a relationship. There are also many support groups for partners of people with substance or alcohol addictions. Please CLICK HERE to see what resources are in your area.
Let’s talk about GREEN FLAGS in a relationship next time, shall we?